I pee when I have orgasms. I pee when I jump. I pee if I sit too fast. Run too fast. Laugh too hard. Everyone pees. Dogs pee. Movie stars pee. Aliens probably pee.
I pee when I get nervous. I’m a nervous person. I pee in my dreams. I think I’m on ¯the toilet peeing and then I wake up. I wear depends in case I pee. Age has nothing to do with peeing. My nephew Benny is thirty-two and wears Depends because he has some sort of peeing condition. Believe me, not peeing is no picnic. Why do we make such a thing about bodily functions? Peeing, pooping, farting? Dogs pee and poop right in the street, pee in beautiful parks and they get applause, treats, hugs.
When I was in the hospital with pneumonia I had a hard time peeing. I mean thin trickles. Th enurses frowned if I didn’t pee. Off to MRI’s. Tests. Or when I have sexI get Cystitis and when I try to pee it hurts. I go to Walgreens and skulk along the aisle, pretending I’m looking at vitamins instead of the purple Cystitis pills the teenagers’ use. Sex gives me are bladder infections:.
Hydration is the new buzzword. I drink water all day so I pee a lot. If the friggin doctors don’t want us so hydrated then people should stop turning away looking the other way if some poor man or woman in an elevator suddenly pees.
“I’m with a fucking urologist,” says Janet Frumpkin on the phone. “My poor husband wears diapers, so what? We’re humans. Babies wear diapers? Anyhoo, the urologist pokes around and now I have to wear rubber pants. Honey, just do it your way. Age your way. Own your age.”
“I agree. I’ve had it with those egg faces, movie stars in the middle of the night selling their serums and diuretics. “In this anti-age culture, if you write about something that’s supposed to be sacred like peeing and pooping you’re considered a freak!”
“Honey, don’t worry about it.”
“Of course I worry! I’m a writer! I need to make money! My book sales are lousy. To get sales you either have to be a woman with a penis or a man with a vagina. Nothing wrong with that, but people don’t want to read about ordinary things. I wrote about a seventy-year-old woman fucking, and the book sold! I got a film option but Hollywood said no one wants to see two old people fucking and they turned my 70 year old heroine into a thirty year old avatar who doesn’t pee in her pants.”
“Don’t get upset. Not good for your blood pressure.” She pauses. “Honey when Harry fucks me he pees and thinks it’s an orgasm. So stop worrying about everything. There are no rules.”
I walk along the hills, stopping to do my deep breathing. These hills are not small. I imagine that I’m climbing up to the sky and wonder if it’s mauve and the color of gray ice? That’s just it. This tiny little ball we exist on, what we call a planet, what we call Earth, is a speck so what’s the big friggin deal about peeing and pooping, and all the rules we have? Okay, it’s not a pretty picture to see someone peeing. Sadly, I was in Starbucks talking to a regular when right I front of us, outside the tall window this poor homeless man pulls down his pants and pees. People walked by, mumbled “pervert,” and walked on. Why didn’t they help the guy? Why didn’t they call someone to clean it up? Give the guy a coffee and some money.
‘Disgusting,’ everyone said, turning back to their laptops and Apple watches. Geez, I get disgusted.
Geez, What does life mean on this planet?
I love butterflies but I don’t want to wobble on a leaf all day then die so fast and get pressed in some freak Republican’s stamp book.
I huff up another hill, still wondering about space. If there’s no such a thing as nothing, what is nothing? I walk faster now as I feel the pee coming on. I rush up the hill because I’m peeing in my pants.
BarbaraRose (brooker) is an author. Her latest novel an d audible Love, Sometimes is available in all bookstores and on Amazon. She is the founder of the first f age march in history. Her novel The Viagra Diaries is in production for a TV series. WWW.agemarch.org