Blow Me
Poor Monica Lewinsky. Her legacy is a blow job. Not only that, her good blue dress is now in a museum for bad girls. What’s all the fuss about?
In my generation the blowjob was considered porno. As I got older, had two husbands, and an array of lovers, the blowjob was the secret to riches. “No matter how lousy a lover, ugly, or handsome during sex, there comes a certain stillness, a glazed look in his eyes, and he whispers, “Blow me.” Next his pencil thin to fat, to long aperture is shoved into your mouth. So I squeezed my eyes shut, and pretended he was Marlon Brando, gag. As if that wasn’t horrible, there’s the “swallow it,” types. Oh my God in Heaven, no matter what age he is, he acts as if he’s giving you a mango smoothie. So like a nice Jewish Princess type trained to please the man, either I let his semen dribble from the side of my mouth, or these days, he’s too old and doesn’t have any.
What gets me is that young women are not warned that the BJ is not fun. Unlike those French films where the women blow him while his glazed eyes look adoringly to the heavens and her eyes are damp from tears of joy.Don’t get it. Our private parts taste like day old fish. I don’t see dogs blowing each other. They do their business, and the deed is done.
“Honey, blow him and you have the world. It’s how you do it,” says Boo Boo Blumenthal on face time. She has a zillion dollars and had enough “work” on her face that at 80 she fancies herself JLo. Her once Semitic nose is a twist with two nostrils like holes, a frizz of bangs covers her forehead lift to the back of her head. She wears diamonds on her short fingers, and a tiara over her thinning hair. Her latest lover is so thin you could slide him through a crack and she confides his penis is the size of a baby carrot. But she likes those Berkin bags that he gives her, and she blows him on Thursday nights as her hair extensions are changed Friday mornings. “I’ve got it down,” she says with a guile smile. “Literally.”
Still, I never did the blow well. Not only do my knees rattle, if the man is shorter I get leg cramps, can’t breathe, and almost suffocate to death. Even though I’ve practiced for years blowing up balloons to energize my blowing power, I either gag, or I faint. The diamond dealer I dated, wanted a double whammy; his balls sucked but balls could choke a horse.
No more blow jobs for me. I read great works, watch great films. I’m writing a manifesto about blow jobs, about men who think the blow is good sex, and men who despise oral sex. They are a certain breed. I study male prototypes: his references to “bananas,” who like to watch you eat an ice creme cone, who utters phrases like “She knew how to make me happy,” and on. I’m starting a blog on blow jobs. Women from all over the globe are sending me their blow job stories. They complain about the men who think they’re giving you Fort Knox by going “down,” on you, or about the dudes who pretend they’re enjoying giving the woman a blow, and after one lick, want the woman to blow them for hours. Then those men who study the VJ with a flashlight. Or the types who give a lick and then put their head up,a smile on their moist lips, like saying, “See Ma. I did it!” Then they want “kinky sex.”
Also, let me tell you this: I can’t stand women who act like a blowjob is their favorite thing in the world. As if I’m some sex retard. Recently, I was at a fancy fundraiser, and Moosie Rothstein (who went to a sexologist for years to practice blowing) was making these fish-like movements with her mouth to her ugly date, this sought-after entrepreneur who’d just lost his wife five days before. So thin you could see through him. Not to mention tiny thin fingers and hands. But she whispered that he owns homes in Dubai and in Paris. It was sickening to see her using her mouth blow words like kisses.
This is what I think: A man will put his penis in any hole. If you put a bag over your face, as long as you blow them, they don’t care. Poor Anne Boleyn, she had special knee pads and blew Henry The Eighth for years, and okay so what he I mean he gave up Cat holism for her, but when he got tired of her, he had her head cut off.
But okay, I concede all men aren’t that way, just most of them. And at all ages too: Then there’s the men who can’t get it up. No matter if you tie their penis with a string to a doorknob, it won’t move. Or it’s shriveled, and you can’t see it. Poor souls. Yet they still howl for a blowjob. “Suck it like a lollipop, it’ll get up eventually,” said Walter, a hedge fund guru.
One of the wonderful things about being 84 and hot is I can say I don’t give a flying you know if you think this is disgusting, or that as some of my prissy friends say, that I have a potty mouth.” Get over it.
BarbaraRose is an author. Her latest novel Love, Sometimes, and the audible are released 2020, on Post Hill Press/ Simon Schuster. Her TV appearances, national podcasts The Rant are on www.barbararosebrooker.com
She is the founder of AgeMarch/AgeMagnificent. Www.agemarch.org
