Midnight blue feather on the side of my hair. Black silk turtleneck to my chin, black leotards, silver belt.

Last, I buckle the ankle straps of my five inch, Joan Crawford style, platform silver leather shoes. I had found them in one of those moviestar thrift stores where costumes and…

Before The Pandemic:

“He is an author! You two have a lot in common,” Joanne says on the phone. “He’s seventy something and he’s been on CNN with Don Lemon. His book Deception is about our lousy government. “It’s getting a huge audience.”

Nathan calls. He is articulate, and sounds…

Peeing

I pee when I have orgasms. I pee when I jump. I pee if I sit too fast. Run too fast. Laugh too hard. Everyone pees. Dogs pee. Movie stars pee. Aliens probably pee.

I pee when I get nervous. I’m a nervous person. I pee in my dreams…

Anyway fall is beautiful in San Francisco. I get this memo from my new editor and I start working with her. She’s pretty good, unlike some of the witch editors I’ve had in the past — mostly these bitch women types who look at their vaginas in the mirrors in…

I’m wheeled into the Xray room, where these two nice technicians inject dye into my arm. As I slide in and out of the humongous machine, the tall lanky technician about thirty, tells the other technician that he isn’t feeling well because someone infected, coughed in his face.

“Oh my…

I hate my lips. Once they were full and pouty, but now they’re disappearing. As if that’s not bad enough I have an overbite so now that the lips are disappearing, I’m terrified that my veneers are sticking out slightly buck. Who knew?

Carefully I draw the burgundy liner pencil…

He opens Tuesday, and removes three tiny white pills. He places them in a neat row on the table. “Anti-depressants,” he informs me. “I had a crazy second wife. She was my assistant, a gorgeous twenty-two year old gold-digger! When I wouldn’t sign a new will, she banged her head…

SOCIAL DISTANCE DATE

I buckle the ankle straps on my three-inch Joan Crawford high heel shoes. I love these shoes. They represent glamour and romance and fun. I have a date. A social distance date. Walter Blumberg is a 79 year old tax lawyer I met on NextDoor.com. His e-mails…

Poor Monica Lewinsky. Her legacy is a blow job. Not only that, her good blue dress is now in a museum for bad girls. What’s all the fuss about?

In my generation the blowjob was considered porno. As I got older, had two husbands, and an array of lovers, the…

“Anyhoo,” Sandy continues in her raspy voice, on the phone. “I met a seventy-one year real estate tycoon at Monica Bergman’s zoom memorial. He lost his wife a year ago and invited me to a social distance dinner. He seems really hot. He’s Google hot too. One of those pin-stripe…

Barbara Rose Brooker

Barbara Rose Brooker, author/teacher/poet/MFA, published 13 novels. Her latest novel, Feb 2020, Love, Sometimes, published by Post Hill Press/Simon Schuster.

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